"Connie you will not be able to move on until you stop crying victim and hold yourself accountable for what you knew was going on. Family missionary trips to Africa, Europe, China, ect. A new outfit for Sunday mass from Macy's or Dillard's, the whole family on the church's payroll. Nothing but the best for the Friend family during the almost decade you were at Capital Christian. But you did not know what was going on (right)..Shame on you. As Dr. Phil would say, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge". The good thing is I am not your judge, juror or maker. The good Lord you so profess to is and he is watching you."
Unfortunately, since leaving Carson City I have received quite a few pieces of hate mail, however, this one caught me by surprise. Why would it catch me by surprise? First, it has been over 2 years since I left Carson City but most importantly, it is because I don't even know this person. If you have never been in my position, consider yourself blessed. It is an assault to the soul when moments like this happen. The devil is the accuser, and that's all this is. An all out firestorm assault from the accuser himself.
It's not that I need to stand up for myself, but that in the. process of healing, I want to. In the past, I would have just deleted it and held the pain inside. But I am outgrowing that type of response. So you really don't have to read this, and it may bring an onslaught of controversy but I will answer these accusations one by one.
#1: I am not crying victim. For me, writing is about me taking steps to be made whole. In fact, being silenced was what being a victim sounded like. I am not a victim. And I will not be silenced.
#2: Most of those trips the writer brings up were paid for by outside parties, and the Europe trip was paid for by me selling my car. Does the writer also not realize that I was in Carson City since the year 2000? That's a long time to take these trips.
#3: New clothes for "Sunday Mass"? I am not Catholic and I do not go to mass.
#4: Shame on me. Yes, shame has been all over me since this happened. Shame on me for protecting people, loving people, and trying to keep it all together. Shame on me for loving Carson City and dreaming for what could be and simply hanging on too long. Shame on me for losing my family and my marriage and my friends, not to mention my career and my home. Shame kept an ugly hold on me, until I realized that Jesus didn't just die for the unsaved person on the street, but He died for my sin and my shame so I have given my shame to Him. He reached out His nail scarred hand and He took it. He has removed it as far as the East is from the West. I don't need someone I've never met telling me I should feel shame.
#5: Dr. Phil is right. I have acknowledged much failure and tons of blame. Just because I choose not to write about private pain does not mean I haven't experienced it.
#6: The writer declares that she is not my judge or jury but by her writing this post, she has declared herself to be just that.
#7: "The Good Lord I so profess" is just that. He is good. Even when people are not. Even when I am not. He is good.
#8: "...is watching me." Thank God He is! He has been my protector, my sustainer, my ever present help in time of trouble. He is the Alpha and Omega, my beginning and my end. I would be lost without Him. In His eyes, I am forgiven, loved, valued and cherished, which is the same message I taught everyone in my care while I was in Carson City. And it is the same message I wish to share with "Sunni" and others like her.
I don't know this woman, but one thing this experience has taught me is that I shouldn't judge. People are like glaciers. There's only so much you can see on the surface and sometimes what's beneath the water line is bigger than you can imagine but God is big enough to deal with the seen and unseen. So I don't judge you, Sunni, but I have defended myself past your unkind words and accusations. I hope that's okay.
When the world seems against me and progress is very hard fought, I find that burying myself in the Word of God is the safest place to be. His private love notes console me and remind me that I am not alone.
Psalm 31 7-8 TPT
"In mercy you have seen my troubles and you have cared for me;
even during this crisis in my soul I will be radiant with joy,
filled with praise for your love and mercy.
You have kept me from being conquered by my enemy;
you broke open the way to bring me to freedom,
into a beautiful, broad place."
Maybe you too, have experienced the pain of failed dreams, of loss, rejection, or of people misunderstanding your intentions. This is not the end. If fact, it is just the beginning. So, take a deep breath with me and step into that broad beautiful place of freedom in Jesus, knowing you are loved. You are planned on. You are cared for. Even now, you are standing in a new place of freedom. I thank God that I am standing there too.